My Truth

This has been a long time coming and it may also be a little long but it's been placed on my heart to share "My Truth" and the truth is... I've been a bit disobedient, putting off telling my truth (story) and how I came to this place where I am now. I can honestly say I used to be embarrassed of my past because I didn't fully grasped what it meant to be a new creation in Christ. But now that I’m maturing in Christ and in the wholeness that comes from my identity in Him I see the importance of everything that I've grown through and why it’s important to the body of Christ and this generation that I share my truth in hopes of planting seed to help someone else bloom. 

Everything and everyone has a purpose, God had things planned out from the beginning of time. Something I didn't know at all, I was one of those people asking, pondering and wondering “why” (still battle with it to this day). I can honestly say that I didn't want the life I lived when I was younger but it was all that I knew but what I've come to know is that The Holy Spirit doesn't reveal things to you until God see’s fit, knowing you will know how to process the information in a healthy way. So on top of what I knew there was some things that God wanted me to know in order for me to grow in Him and His love and purpose for my life. I recently went to a ministry event that was themed “Love, Surrender and Let Go” the speaker was powerful and what resonated with me that night is that it was time to let go of that embarrassment and surrender my truth to God and let Him do with it as He pleases. I am sure you see from my site and social media platforms that I love me some Jesus and coffee. I’m so in love with God guys like seriously, but once it was revealed to me that there was a anointing on my life (which I really didn't take seriously) because I thought it was “christianese” nor did I want to abuse that and prance around acting holier than thou. But after hearing it again from a complete stranger I was lead to share where I came from and how I got here. I can sugar coat and say simply “oh I've been through somethings just like everyone else” nor do I want to seem as if what I’ve been through makes me more "christian" than someone who hasn't been through anything. So I'm lead to share and be a bit more transparent with my walk and why I do go a little hard when it comes to my pursuit to Get. Give. and Grow. in hopes that it will bless someone who thinks that because of their past they have no future.  I know that not to be true and as clique as this may sound “if He did it for me, He will do it for you” He is a good God and He does not change! And when I say that you must keeping going and God loves you and it doesn’t matter who, what, when, where or why I am being serious! Because that was my case, I had the whole why would God love me, look what I’ve done over the course of 28 years, look where I am at and where I come from, who would love me…. I was miserable but God. 

Can I just say that life can be so unfair sometimes and the cards that we are dealt can suck! Let me tell you about my hand, born and raised in Compton, yes that Compton…  was it dangerous um yes I have a bullet wound to prove it (no I wasn't shot just skinned by a bullet in a drive-by that claimed the life of the little girl I was outside playing with) another God keeping me moment that has had me asking “why”….  but back to what I was saying. I come from a single parent household, I am one of three girls, my mom is a born again believer who is also a 2 time felon who was on drugs when she was pregnant with me and half of my adult life. Praise God she is now clean and pursuing her purpose in Christ. I guess society would deem me as a “crack baby” but God deems me as “fearfully and wonderfully made”. I grew up without my father, I knew who he was, he came in and out of our lives due to he already had a family. My mother is my hero and is my constant reminder of God redemptive power she would always say “Do as I say, not as I do” which has kept me out of a lot of trouble. But still I wanted to live the life I thought I deserved after all my mom left me to raise & protect my sisters whom now take care of me on so many levels no matter what I need they are always there! My family is small, like count on both hands small, my mom only has one sister “my ne-ne” who only has 2 children which gave me 2 cousins who are like my brother and sister, thank God for her and stepping in when my mom couldn’t among other women who my mom trusted to take care of us when she couldn’t. You see family is something I always yearned for, well a “normal” family not knowing I was apart of God’s family. That yearning for family was a gift and curse, my 2 longest relationship were with men who had large normal families in my eyes, you know a mom and dad who were married and lived and loved each other. I thought I had found what I was looking for but things didn't go as I had planned. I had no idea God had a plan for my life so I took my life into my own hands, what we feel we miss out on we take it upon ourselves to go and find it. Me trying to do life on my own taught me a lesson in what happens when you operate out of the will of God. You live, lust, learn, and deal with the consequences of your actions. So from two 5 year relationships that both came to an end came 2 of my 3 prides and joys Tre who is now 11 and Marcus who is now 8. I was looking for love and not the kind of “tough love” I was getting from my mother. My sister is the first to say she didn't like the woman I had become after looking for love and my heart being broke and me being broken. I accomplished a few goals I had, a college degree being one of them, worked a job I loved, worked freelance, so thought I was good and could be happy whole and complete but the truth was I was broken and void. I was doing the independent thing I was working on co-parenting with my boys fathers, life was good or so I thought but yet and still there was a void even if I didn't want to admit it something was missing still.

This is where God also stepped in because I was sure that no one wanted or would love a woman who had 2 kids by 2 different men. While I didn't want to be a statistic that exactly what I was, so I built a wall up and vowed not to be hurt again and to focus on my kids and their happiness. But with that came bitterness which eventually took root and made me even more bitter. I do believe God uses people as a means to get us closer to Him, I believe God knew the wall that I built could be broken down brick by brick if he used someone who was familiar. My now husband has been in my life since I was 11, we grew up at the same neighborhood park he played ball I just hung out at the park. That same park is where we ran back into each after I signed my son up to play football for him it’s funny how God works. I’ll never forget the day that he called me to remind me that there was practice and he sensed my distraught tone and asked if I needed someone to talk to, that conversation led him to invite me to go to church with him. Some would say this is where our fairytale that ended in marriage and the birth of Jeremiah my 3rd little and our first child together begins. But in all honesty this is where the reality of God and his love, mercy, and grace came in. 

So of course I took him up on his offer and we began to date at the end of 2010 because I just knew that void was being filled. Little did I know that me going to Tuesday night bible study would begin a journey of purpose, growth, pain, and destiny. God is a God of order and restoration and He began to restore my life and reconcile me back to my mother and I really began to understand what following Christ truly meant. I finally made the commitment after seeing what that "church life" was all about and dedicated my life to Christ. So here I was, I had given my life to Christ and gave a lot of credit to Joshua (my husband) who was still my boyfriend at the time. Then God showed me where my heart really was, which lead to me and J taking a break, here I was thanking and praising J for bringing me to church when I should of been thanking and praising God. So God literally stripped me of everything I held dear and did a work in me that I am so grateful for. The more I studied and gave myself to prayer the more confirmation I received and I began to hear from God. I began to know and understand what it meant to be spirit led. Things started to manifest, Get. Give. Grow. was birthed after praying to God about what role I played in His purpose. I was being filled everyday with his love and truth and I knew in my heart it wasn't just for me. I started going to back to church, yeah I wasn't in church at the time because I stopped going once we were on a break because I no longer needed to impress him. What I didn't know was that I was trying to put J in the place in my heart that was shaped and designed specifically for God and my purpose. 

We eventually reconciled and got married and had our first child together which required even more spiritual growth. Understand, me and my husband aren't perfect and we barely made it to our 2 year anniversary, we’ve thrown the word divorce around like a frisbee, but ultimately we knew God had a purpose in bringing us together as one, so we got down on our knees and repented for anything we did to each other and others that wasn't pleasing to him. We asked God to create in us clean hearts and to renew steadfast spirits in us! Because we both had loss our focus, marriage is hard work and not to be taken lightly but with God at the center you can get through anything. You can’t have a fruitful marriage without God, you won’t do each other any good if you both aren't actively pursuing wholeness in Christ yourselves. We are works in progress that have given our marriage to God. I know him inviting me to church opened the door for The Holy Spirit to move in and through my life and his but we had to allow it. I recognized that my past didn't hinder me from being blessed with a man who loves me for me despite my history. We both also learned a very valuable life lesson, that lesson was that we would never truly make each other happy, we are both imperfect after all and the only one who could change anything was God. So we would stay in pursuit of Him while pursuing each other,  not a perfect marriage, perfect lifestyle, or perfect anything just God and His plans and purposes. 

So this is where I am today in my truth, creatively pursing Christ and trying to make Him known in everyday life. My life is not my own and either is my truth. Because what I've been through could easily of been you. As your truth could be mine but no matter who, what, when, where or why God wants to restore you. He wants to write your story and your past doesn’t have to be perfect or deleted in order for him to continue writing. I don't know who will be blessed by me opening up a little more but know someone will, even if that someone is myself. I’m reminded and told on many occasions that the life of a believer is constant warfare. Whoa what? Then I learned and experienced firsthand that the devil doesn’t want anyone living the good and abundant life that God promises to those who believe. Satan want to cause strife, manipulate, and deceive you into thinking you're not worthy, but I am here to tell you God has a plan and purpose for YOU! So please keep going there is greater coming, it may be on the other side of eternity but it's coming. Your past may not be pretty, your circumstances may look bleak, you may even believe you don't have what it takes. But I am here to tell you it is not how or when you start but how you finish! Be blessed and Bloom!